It will happen, but it won’t be the way that you plan for it to happen. You will walk down the hallway and into the gymnasium and you will know that you did it and you won’t spare a thought on the B- you received on your first English paper.
You won’t think about the college you decided that you were six that you were going to go to. And you won’t think about the one that you decided upon when you were twelve. You will think about the guy sitting next to you and the one in front of you and realize that you probably will never be near them both at the same time again.
And more than anything you will want to go back four years and look back at the girl you were and tell her to calm down. Tell her to breathe. Tell the fourteen year old girl to take one second and to stop pretending to like books that she doesn’t like and stop pretending to be different. Tell her to start being herself sooner.
You will want to go back and tell her exactly what will happen, exactly how to stop it. You’ll want to tell fifteen year old you that it’s okay that she keeps putting her mental health in front of her studies. You want to tell her that the biology grade doesn’t matter. Take every single mental health day that she needs because when she is seventeen they will have kept her alive.
Take driver’s ed even though you’re scared of driving and even though you know how easy it is to crash. Don’t freak out when you fail your permit test three times. Take your driver’s test. Drive to school every day even though other student drivers terrify you and when you get in the accident don’t go to school.
Your hands will be shaking and you will try to take the economics test but you will barely be able to write, and someone will ask you if you are okay and you will cry. Let it happen, but let it happen at home, don’t fail a test to prove something to yourself.
Only do the things that you want to do. Do not become a different person for somebody else. Change but only do it for yourself. Wear shorts no matter what your legs look like in them. Sleep in and go to school with no makeup because it doesn’t matter. Sign up for volleyball even though you think you might be bad at it because you think it will be fun. Sign up for the musical because you want to do it instead of wishing you had done it.
Don’t let yourself regret anything. Do absolutely everything that you want to do. Be the person you want to be. Ignore everyone else, and what they want you to be. You have to live with yourself for a long time.
Don’t straighten your hair as much. Do not fry it off because you will need it later. Eat lunch. Eat breakfast. Sleep. Get help from your math teacher. Read everything you want to read. Take a deep breath. Handle it. Ask for help when you need it, instead of pretending you can do it yourself. Proofread your essays.
Shatter, because it will happen no matter what. Sit in a parking lot and play the music louder than your speakers can handle and shatter. Cry. Hit the steering wheel. Scream. Let it happen because sometimes you need to shatter so you can rebuild.
Be selfish your entire senior year and do not hate yourself for it. Be selfish because you have spent so long being selfless and you deserve to put yourself first. Be selfish and ambitious and try your absolute hardest because you will thank yourself for it.
May first will come around and you won’t be wearing the shirt that you imagined yourself wearing six months ago and graduation will come around and you won’t know where you’re going yet but you will be alright.
They don’t deserve you anyways.
Spend less time thinking about Instagram captions and more time thinking about the person you want to be in the future. Do not pretend to want something that you don’t want because ‘it sounds better’ or ‘I thought it was what they wanted’. It’s your life. Live it the way you want to.
You’ll be alright, even though it won’t happen the way that it’s ‘supposed’ to. And your student id picture will be great.
Kate Went Exploring 